DISTINGUISHED PROFESSOR INVITED TO RESIGN OR BE SACKED

The Vice-Chancellor of Newchange revealed today that he has had to invite one of our most distinguished and long-standing professors to resign from his Chair at Newchange, or 'be sacked'. This sorry state of affairs, VC von Crunnderat commented, came about following 'a virtual tsunami of complaints' from disgruntled students formerly registered on the BSc in Experimental Economics from 1975 to the present day. What was the cause of such complaints? As the VC explained to Newchange News, "the vast majority of students [registered on that programme] were awarded 57 per cent - around 99% to be clear. As the students commented to me, though they received a convincing lower second, the fact that thousands of students had attained the same mark, was not at all convincing - rather it was completely and utterly worrisome".

Former students on the programme had become suspicious and alert to possible academic skulldugery when joining the Newchange Experimental Economics Alumni pages - a website which asks for a wide variety of information, including the precise mark attained overall in the BSc. As one student explains (Mark, graduating in 1999), "It was really weird - though originally I had been on course for first class honours, I didn't really question only getting a lower second - I thought I must have really f****d up in the examinations in the final year. But when I saw that thousands of other students received 57%, I started to wonder. "Another student, (Greg, graduating in 1990) commented, "Sure, I'd been taking, like a truck-load of mind-altering drugs during me degree, but I think me mind were altered beautifully like - in concert with the spirit of the BSc in Experimo-Economics - gettin' a 57% grade were just not where I thought I'd be at and it wasn't where I wanted to be - it's like well bad, don't you think? And I don't think I'd be the loser I am today had it not been for the 57% - I mean, I am a loser - you can see that right?".

Upon receiving the hundredth complaint, the VC called a meeting with the Professor (whom, for legal reasons, cannot be named here) requesting an explanation for the extraordinary clustering of marks at 57% on the BSc in Experimental Economics. According to the Professor (who, for legal reasons, cannot be named here), who kindly also spoke to us, the clustering of marks around 57% could very simply be explained by reference to his research and the programme upon which these students were registered: "I wanted to investigate the impact of awarding exactly the same grade to 99% of students irrespective of merit - what would happen to those who were clearly brilliant, but were awarded pretty mediocre marks; and what would happen to the 1% awarded a double first, even when their work very clearly demanded a fail? Quite simply, I wanted to see what the purpose and causal effect of the marking scheme was. "

According to the Professor (whom, for legal reasons, cannot be named here), who was about to publish his "extraordinary" findings, the results of the research are "extraordinary" and certain to lead to a revolution in the manner by which higher educational establishments assess students in the future: "my research indicates that the mark that students attain has little, if any, impact upon their future career options - indeed in some cases, I contacted students after a few years to amend their marks from a 2:2 to a really quite sparkling first classification - that also had little impact on their career prospects. To cut to the chase: if they are good, they are good; if they are academically useless, and academic merit is required, it will soon rise to the surface that the student in question is indeed, academically useless."

Both the Professor (whom, for legal reasons, cannot be named here) and the V-C's Department are currently consulting with their own teams of lawyers. The Professor (whom, for legal reasons, cannot be named here) refuses to step down from his Chair, seeks to rely upon the fact that when students registered for the BSc in Experimental Economics they took the risk that their results would be assessed in the "spirit of such a programme" (alongside his findings that the results had no deleterious results on their future careers/aspirations). Further details as to the legal wrangle currently in motion will be posted on this site.

Vice-Chancellor Considers Proposals to Give Students Narcolepsy Drug to Boost University Ratings

Following the revellation that an increasing number of students are accessing 'technically' legal drugs to improve their academic performance (see article by John Sutherland in today's Guardian on-line 'Gown, mortarboard and caned'), the Vice-Chancellor is considering proposals from the Senate that such drugs be made compulsory for all new entrants into Newchange's degree programmes. Commenting on these proposals, the Vice-Chancellor commented:

"For many years, the Senate has been concerned that we need to boost results in order to forge a higher position in the University rankings. The Senate's view was that we should be aiming for all students to attain first class honours - this has been difficult to achieve in practice. Various alternatives have been considered, including what is commonly known as 'dumbing down' - something that was unanimously rejected by our staff body. However, this left the Senate conscious of the need to explore more contemporary solutions to the problem of less than 100 per cent of our students attaining first class honours. Last year only 78 per cent of our students attained first class honours, and this was disappointing.

As the Senate considered in their extensive review of the University's position, given that our lecturing staff are dedicated to students, are required to keep their teaching methods under constant review, have increasing numbers of students to look after, and work an average of 86.3 hours per weeks in order to fulfil their often competing duties in teaching, administration and research, there is no way that we can ask them to do any more - unless of course, we make it compulsory for them to take performance enhancing aids too. This could maximise their performance yield. But boosting student performance may well be the first solution to the contemporary dilemma we current face - so while these proposals are somewhat radical, I think we should give them serious consideration. And consider them we shall."

The Vice-Chancellor's office will be considering these proposals over the next week and consulting with academic staff as to how and whether these can be implemented. In addition the Vice-Chancellor shall also be considering additional proposals to make such technically legal drugs compulsory for lecturing staff.

NEWCHANGE CAMPUS: DIRECTOR OF ARCHITECTURE & CONSTRUCTION PLANS TO BUILD IVORY TOWER

After extensive consultation with Newchange academics, Sir. Ian Plasterton, Director of Architecture and Construction at Newchange has proposed the building of an 'Ivory Tower'. Sir Ian, who is known for a variety of controversial constructions in the UK, including the design and sale of pre-fab homes for the Larger Lady, suggests that the University of Newchange needs an ivory tower in order to provide a 'space where academics can divorce themselves from the realities of real life'. He commented that, 'for many academics, life is becoming too real - there are too many disturbances in the real-life workplace, and reality is interrupting the important work that academics simply just need space and peace to get on with.'

Sir Ian is currently consulting with various plastic manufacturers in order to develop a material that will most closely resemble 'ivory'. Design blue-prints and further details of the Ivory Tower construction scheme will be made available on this website in due course.

New Newspages at Newchange

Dear Staff Members and Students,

Welcome to the new news page of the new University of Newchange. At the University of Newchange we fully embrace the exchange and delivery of new news and we hope that between the students and distinguished Professors of Newchange, that these pages will soon be replete with stimulating discussion of new news features.

Please note that all the items on this blog are available for the public to view - therefore those contributing to these pages should exercise due caution (see the risk management report 2046/DB-06 entitled "The need for caution in contributing to webpages accessible to the general public", commissioned in 2006) as to the content and temper of their comments.

As Vice-Chancellor of Newchange, I am simply delighted to provide the first items of new news on these pages. It is my particular pleasure to note that in light of my considerable contribution to academic life at Newchange (including the creation of the ad hoc VC Bonus Fund) , after only two weeks in office the Senate has bestowed upon me a 17% salary increase from the VC Bonus Fund. Such a bonus serves to make me more determined than ever to ensure the continued success of the University of Newchange. However, I am conscious of the need for all who work for this University to receive recognition, where due, of their tremendous contribution to academic life. In this respect, please note that in relation to academic members of staff who illustrate both excellence and innovation in teaching, I have also taken steps to ensure that an 'Excellence and innovation in teaching' award is made available: members of staff, who fit the criteria of this scheme, may be entitled to receive, at the discretion of the Senate, a £20 M&S voucher to be spent upon food or clothing items.*

The Senate would like to extend its thanks to Mrs Rosebottom of Meat-up Butchers who very kindly donated £40 to Newchange so that this award might be endowed.

In addition, I am also delighted to note our recent appointment of Professor Dame Evadne Cheese-Library. Professor Cheese-Library comes to us following a long and distinguished career and shall be joining the newly created Newchange Law School. Given the wealth of experience she brings in the field of Sumptuary Law alongside her controversial scholarship in antiquities (see for example her work exploring the representation of rodents in the works of Lucius Tossus - this has been cited no less than 3 times), I am sure that her appointment will make a significant contribution to the intellectual life of the Newchange Law School.

Yours,

Professor Piter Von Crunnderat
Vice-Chancellor

* Overview of basic criteria for the "Innovation and Excellence in Teaching Award": Upon completion of the relevant application forms in triplicate, academics seeking to be considered for this award must ensure the provision of ten references from academics within the University of Newchange considered to be "reputable" (interpreted at the discretion of the Senate), and substantial evidence of excellence and innovation in teaching (please note that you must also provide evidence of at least seventeen peer obervations - which report highly positive results - undertaken within the semester in which you seek to apply).

NEWCHANGE CONTROVERSY - VC RESPONDS: Decision to Decommission Bunsen Burners

Item from the Vice-Chancellor's Office:

In my capacity as Vice-Chancellor, I briefly address here the decision of the Upper Dean of the Faculty of Science and Technology to decommission all bunsen burners owned by the Faculty.

After having considered the views of Professors in the School of Chemistry who suggested that such items were critically necessary to Laboratory experiments, we nevertheless felt that in light of health and safety considerations that there was no way of resisting the conclusion that we must, as a matter of health and safety, decommission these laboratory items.

A report we commissioned from Risk Management Consultants Ltd on this specific matter in 2005 highlighted to us the very real risk that many students were potentially exposed to the risk of sustaining burns in circumstances where they make 'very' careless contact with these burners. The Report, entitled, 'The Risks posed to students from 'very' careless contact with Bunsen Burners' also illustrated that 1% of students interviewed did not realise that Bunsen burners could burn them if they were 'very' careless. So on the view of this overwhelming evidence, we regret that we shall have to decommission these laboratory items.

In addition, though extraneous to our decision-making process, the decommissioning and sale of these items alongside steps to secure the rental of the Senior Common Room to local industry concerns will serve to offset 0.000014% of the costs of the Faculty's recent rebranding exercise.